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Miscarriage.
So taboo.
November 27, 2016 was a day I will not forget. We went out to brunch with my sister and brother in law. I joked around about not being able to drink my favorite Sangria. I was almost 8 weeks pregnant and my whole world knew about it. I told everyone. I had a healthy 1 year old and I could not wait to give him a sibling. I joke around saying that I was posting about it before my pee had even dried on the stick.
We went home. I went to the bathroom. There was blood everywhere. I knew what that meant but I did not want to believe it. I screamed for my husband. When I saw the look on his face, I knew he knew. My sister and her husband took Tyler and I just laid there. It was a Sunday afternoon and I had to wait until Monday to confirm my fear. The pain was horrible. I felt as if someone was ripping my insides out. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain.
I had so many questions. What did I do wrong? Why was this happening? How would people react? How would I even tell everyone? I was in denial. I thought "Maybe this is normal." "Maybe they were twins and I still had one left."
Some people may think that at 8 weeks this was nothing. To me, it was everything. I had names picked out and imagined Tyler playing alongside his new baby. It was my baby and I would never know who they were.
Once I went to the doctor, I decided to publicly tell my story on social media. I was scared but I could not imagine having to tell people individually as they asked me "How is the belly going?" I was overwhelmed with the responses that I got. So many people reached out to me and shared their own stories of loss. I could not believe how common this was. Why does no one talk about it? I went from feeling alone to feeling like part of a community. A community I never wanted to join but I was happy that they were there to help me cope.
I also realized how hard this was for Franklin (my husband). He was so strong for me. Then I found him in the backyard alone. I sat on his lap and he broke down. Loss is hard on everyone. It took months for us to even mention trying to have a baby again.
Now, I have 2 amazing babies. I know that my angel baby sent my little Olivia to me. They watched her grow in my belly and kept her safe and now my babies have their own guardian angel.
I think of my angel baby all the time. I don't talk about him/her much to others. It is still hard to think about. Wondering how my life would have been different seems unfair to the life I have now.
I do believe we will meet one day. For now, I will love to heaven and back.