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There, I said it. I don't like my birthday. Every year, as my birthday approaches, I feel so much anxiety. I am not sure why this happens. Maybe it is because a birthday is a time to reflect on the past year. I am a person that likes plans and knowing what is going to happen. When birthdays approach, and I do not feel like I am where I should be, I feel "off".
My birthday is 6 days away and I already feel emotional. Every year we make a wish as we blow out our candles and hope that wish comes true. But what if it didn't? What if, a year later, there are things you thought would be happening but aren't? What if you thought you would be in a certain place but you aren't there yet?
This year I have met many versions of myself. I have met a version of me that is more resilient than I gave her credit for. I met a version of me that felt what it was like to fall in love and be loved again. I met a version of me that was heartbroken again but stronger this time around. I met a version of me that learned a new job and is actually pretty good at it. I met a girl that is working hard on her relationship with God and leaning into her faith (which isn't easy when you have no patience). I met the saddest and happiest versions of me and I learned that it is ok to have years that have both. I wouldn't appreciate the good as much without having the bad.
Don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to me grateful for as I approach 33. I have 2 kids that are more than I could have EVER dreamed of. They are smart, funny, talented, sooo loving, and a pain in my butt! I have a family that I wouldn't trade for the world. They are all up in my business but in a good way (mostly) haha!! This year has shown me which friends show up and man, do they show up.
I learned a lot this past year. I had so many experiences that I didn't think I would have. Maybe some didn't end the way I wanted and that is hard to swallow. Maybe the anxiety that I feel is because I know next year still has some battles I have to face and don't want to. Maybe it's just cause I am an emotional person.
Promises to my future 33 year old self:
I will trust my instincts more
I will continue to make my children my #1 priority
I will remind myself daily that God's plan is bigger than mine
I will stop underestimating myself
I will ask for help when I need it
I won't let past experiences dictate how I treat the future and those that come into my life
I will dream BIG
This year I will make some wishes as I blow out my candle. Who knows which of them will come true but I will continue to wish. I will wake up on my birthday and remember one of my favorite quotes " When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."