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Yesterday, I was home alone at night (which I hate) and I was trying to stay entertained. I grabbed a glass of Oreos and milk (don't judge me) and I turned on the show Sex Life from Netflix (also, don't judge me). I thought it would be a care-free night watching trash TV and eating trash food. Instead, I was a crying mess by the end of the season. I won't spoil the show but, all I will say is that, I identified a lot with different things the main character goes through in the season.
She is going through a divorce. I do not think you understand the rollercoaster of emotions you go through on a divorce ride. It is not the person you are sad about losing. It is the life you planned that you are sad about losing. You try so hard to remember the good moments but, in the middle of the mess, only the bad seems to peer out. I constantly remind myself that those 14 years led to the 2 best gifts God has ever given me. In the midst of the madness, I feel happy to let go of a toxic person while also feeling so much grief for a life I worked so hard to achieve. I am far from getting off the ride but I hope to be the person one day, looking at another woman saying " It's bumpy, but it ends and you will be ok."
The main character also experiences what it is like to introduce someone new to her kids. To me, this is on the top of my "I do not know how to do this list." I always said I would keep these 2 parts of my life separate but at some point it becomes impossible. You won't ever know me if you don't know me with my kids. I won't truly love you if I can't imagine you with my kids. When all those things work, and your kids fall in love with someone that you are in love with, its magical. What happens when it doesn't work? Will 3 hearts break instead of 1? This possibility makes me pause in many aspects because it's not only me. I am a package deal. I use to think it was baggage but now I know we are a beautifully wrapped package. Who wouldn't want a 3 for 1 deal?? All joking aside, it's hard to have someone come in that doesn't have kids because they don't fully understand your world. It's hard to have someone come in who has kids because, how do you mix 2 worlds? So what do you do?
At the end of the show she said something that stuck with me. She said there are 2 things we can say at the end of our lives..." I wish I had" or "I'm glad I did." For a large part of my life, I think I lived in the "I wish I had" stage. I wanted to make sure I was perfect. I wanted to get the best grades, graduate exactly on time, get married, have kids, and live the life we are supposed to live. I didn't travel. I did not follow my childhood dreams. I didn't do a lot of things because it didn't fit in the mold I made for myself. Now, I am broken. But not in the "I have to put myself back together" kind of way. I am broken and all my pieces say a story and I don't necessarily want to pick all those pieces back up. I want to live a "I am glad I did" kind of life. Maybe it will lead to more broken pieces but I can choose which pieces I leave behind and which I want to put back together.
I want to say
I am glad I tried that for the first time
I am glad I did something that scared me
I am glad I took a chance on love (again and again)
I am glad I followed my heart more than my mind in my life
I am glad I did
I don't think you will ever regret something you did but all the "I wish I had's" will be too late.
Who knew all it took was some Oreos and a trash show to get all this out? Go do 1 thing this week that you can be glad you did! Take a chance.
"Fear is a liar. He will take your breath and stop you in your steps. He will rob your rest and steal your happiness. Cast your fear in the fire because fear is a liar."