The Postpartum Body

There are a million blogs telling us moms 

"Love your body." "You are a miracle maker." "Tiger stripes! Yeah! You're a beast." All of that is fabulous but this is not one of those blogs. I want to tell you the real nitty gritty shit. The stuff no one talks about. The stuff that moms look into the mirror and cry about. (Yes, it's ok to cry about it. )

My body has been through a lot. I have 2 babies. I had a csection 1st, a VBAC (vaginal birth after csection) 2nd, breastfeed Tyler for 2 years, and I am currently still breastfeeding Olivia (10 months). 

If you read my last blog, you know that I was the 1st in my friend group to have a baby.  I didn't really have many people to compare myself to.  I was 25 and gave birth in the middle of bikini season.  My TWIN sister just had a wedding cruise and was in amazing shape. Needless to say,  I was not happy with my body. 

After the csection with Tyler I was extremely swollen.  I mean beach whale , rolly polly, "where are my ankles?" status. I didn't expect it.  I expected to be pretty close to what I was before. Instead, I was still 30 pounds overweight, my csection scar was painful and shocking to look at, and my boobs were like a never ending automatic milk refill.  

I have always been pretty hard on my body and the way I look.  After Tyler it was really difficult.  I use to wear tight clothes,  no bra (many times) , and low waisted jeans.  I didn't fit into anything! I felt like I had to reinvent myself.  I remember people asking me why my clothes were so loose at my husband's birthday party.  I was trying to hide.  

By Tyler's 1 year birthday,  I had lost all my baby weight and then some.  My body had changed but I felt ok.  

Then came Olivia.  I gained 45 pounds during my pregnancy with her. I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the months to come and my ever changing wardrobe.  I hadn't.  10 days after I gave birth,  someone (a family member) told me "You are still fat. You gained more than just the baby weight. " I was heartbroken.  I cried for days about it.  How can people be so mean? Then I noticed that I was mean to myself .

10 months later when I look in the mirror I see a lot of things.  I see a scar that cuts across my bikini line.  I see a soft section of my belly.  I see boobs that will never be braless again. I see bags under my eyes and lines on my face.  Then,  I realize an 8 pound 11 ounce baby came out of that scar, 2 perfect babies and 1 angel baby were nestled perfectly in that soft section of my belly, I kept 2 babies alive solely on what these uneven boobies gave them, and I spent countless nights awake and mornings laughing to earn my under eye bags and wrinkle lines. I am not who I use to  be but I'll take every piece of me. 

Hey, I guess it is one of "those" blogs. It's ok to cry mamas.  You are learning to navigate the new you but don't forget how badass you are.