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I was told I mutilated my baby girl because I pierced her ears.
I was shamed for not cutting my son's hair and then shamed for cutting it so young .
I am darker skinned and my baby is very very fair. A lady at the park said I should be ashamed that I let her call me "mom" if I am just the nanny.
Two mothers shamed me for not being able to keep my toddlers in a stroller
I get criticized constantly for letting my kids sleep in bed with me.
I was shamed for being a stay at home mom and then shamed for going back to work and leaving them in daycare.
Everyone has an opinion on how long I breastfeed and how much my baby weighs.
These are just some of the 120 comments I received when I asked a local mom group if they have ever been "mom-shamed". I was overwhelmed with responses, stories, and frustrations.
What jumped out at me most was the fact that most moms had been shamed by their own families. "Well meaning" family members sharing their opinions on how someone else's baby was being raised ended up only making things worse.
Here is my opinion, if you did not push that baby out, if you didn't have a doctor cut it out of you, if you didn't carry it for 9 months or sign the adoption papers, and you don't pay their bills...you can shove all your opinions back to where they came from.
We are not saints. We all mom shame. We all think our parenting philosophy is the best. The problem is when you throw those ideas out into the world and shame a mom for not doing the same thing you are. At the end of the day we are doing the best we can with what we know.
Now, there is a difference between unsolicited advice and solicited advice. We are a community of moms. If a fellow mom asks for advice, give it to her. Tell her all the mistakes you made, what you could have done better and reassure her when it comes to her decisions. We could all use some help.
When you see a mom doing something that you don't do, keep walking. No need for comments like "Your baby is so skinny, you should stop breastfeeding." or "I can't believe you let your daughter eat candy at her Candy Land themed birthday party." (Yes, a mom actually told another mom this). Just stop. No one needs to hear it.
At the end of the day we are our worst critics. We mom shame our selves every day. I lay down at night and think " I wasn't going to yell at my kids and today I lost my cool" , "I wanted them to try a new veggie today and instead my son had a sour patch in his mouth before 10am", " I spent too much time on the phone today and missed an important moment." Every day we worry. Every day we know we could have done better. Every day we wonder if we are making a mistake. Let us start to lift each other up and if you aren't going to do that, then shut up and get out of my circle.