You're Ready but I'm Not

My baby boy. 4. 4 years I've been your mom. 4 years of watching you grow. In 10 days, you will start school.  You ask me every morning if it's "school day". You are so ready but I am not.

I know it sounds ridiculous. It's not like you're going off to college.  It's Pre-k for gods sake! I just can't help it. As the day gets closer, I look at you and cry. This is a big change for both of us. I will have to trust someone else to care for you. I will have to trust that they will know that when you cry,  a simple hug will make you stop. I have to trust that they will learn that you pretend to want to be so independent but the truth is you are a baby who needs constant reassurance.  I'll have to trust that I did a good enough job that you will be able to stand up for yourself,  be kind to others, and know when to ask for help. 

I have a feeling you are ready for this. Your enthusiasm as we talk about school reassures me but, still, I am not ready. I think back and I realize I'm never ready.  I had to leave you at one month,  I wasn't ready. You took your first steps, I wasn't ready.  When your sister was born and I had to spend a night without you, I wasn't ready. Every time you need me a little less, I'm not ready to let go.

I talk to a lot of other moms and one thing that I have learned is that it never gets easier.  Time just slips through your fingers.  I constantly think of my 8 pound 11 ounce little butterball.  That little butterball has turned into a hilarious, energetic, exhausting little boy.  During your bath today you said "Mommy, am I little or big? Because I dont want to be big." I replied with "You'll always be my baby." College, marriage,  babies...through whatever life takes you, you'll be my chunky, puckered lips little baby.

I'll never be ready for you to grow up but I can only hope that I taught you enough that you are always ready.