Being Alone

Being alone. I don't even know what that means. I have never been alone. I literally had someone in the womb with me. The most I ever spent alone was the 12 minutes it took for Baby B to join me. Growing up, I always had a partner.

I never understood why or how people did things alone. Grocery shopping? Bring a buddy. Out to lunch? Bring a few friends. Don't feel well? I will sit with you at the urgent care. To me, those little moments were moments to bond with the person that was with me.

I grew up with a literal other half. I never wanted to do things alone and the truth is, I never really had to.

I got married at 22 and, again, had someone to do things with. I moved straight from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a home with a husband. At 25, I started having babies. When my marriage ended, still I wasn't alone. I had my kids stuck to me like glue.

When I started a new relationship, I felt like me again. I had someone to share life with. I had a partner. It is what my body knew. Lunches, dinners, Publix runs...never alone. When the relationship ended, it is like I was lost. What happened? Who do I share my day with? When my kids are out with their dad and everyone has plans...I am alone.

A friend of mine said to me "Katie, you basically don't know who you are outside of a relationship." She was right. I know Katie the partner. I give my all, I love deeply and I realize sometimes I get lost in it. I get lost in trying to give my partner everything I think they want in order to make sure they don't leave. I do the same thing in friendships. I have been burned many times. It doesn't stop me from doing it again. In all kinds if relationships, I go head first and I never regret it. I have some amazing friendships because of it and one day I might say the same about love (maybe lol)

Now, it is time to figure out who Katie is alone. When partners and kids and friends are all "away"....who am I? Would I rather have someone on my Publix run? Of course. I always say I was born to be part of a team (God proved that when he made sure I didn't come Earth side alone) but it's ok to get to know me outside of an "us". It is uncomfortable and weird and full of messy moments where I find myself crying at the weirdest times of day. I am learning that being alone is not the same as being lonely and being alone is better than fighting for a place in some ones life.

For now, I am being the best mama I can be. I am kicking ass in my job (if I do say so myself), and I am leaning into the moments where there is silence. When someone comes along someday, I will know what to share, what to expect, and what not to accept. 1 month away from my 33rd bday. The best is yet to come.