The Guilt of a Single Mom

Single mom. Those are 2 words I thought would never apply to me. Yet, here I am. I always suffered from "mom guilt" but "single mom guilt" seems to be on another level.

I feel guilty that I couldn't give my kids the family I always wanted for them. Mom and dad living in the same home. Family vacations. No step-parents. No missing out on moments. No broken homes, My "picture perfect" family and vision of my life ended. It not only ended for me, but it ended for my kids. As a mom, I have always wanted to give them the best. I wanted to shield them from the sad things that this world will inevitably show them. I couldn't shield them from the sadness that was going to happen in their own home.

Now my plans shift. But how do I balance? A new life. Going out. Getting to know this new version of me. How do I do it without the guilt? Meeting someone. Sharing my time. Going to places without them and spending the entire time just thinking how they would have enjoyed it too.

I have never spent a night away from my kids (unless I was in the hospital giving birth). Because of a variety of circumstances, I will continue to have my kids overnight 24/7. They sleep in my bed. Sometimes I think I need them more than they need me. It's like I want to hold them close as long as I can, I want them to know I am sorry for the moments I do not know how to handle. I want them to know they will always be number 1.

I have been separated for a year and my life is moving forward. This year has changed me. I went from "why me?" to feeling a sense of peace. I went from sadness to thankfulness. I have opened my heart to receive love. My eyes have been opened to so many things and I feelings I didn't even know I could experience. I am learning that guilt doesn't help anyone. When I am happy, my happiness flows onto my children. My new life, is their life. They will reap the benefits of the new life I am deciding to create.

Mom guilt is so real. Single mom guilt is tougher than I thought but guess what? I am tougher than I thought too.